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Banking (On Giving Us The) Business
Since Federal Reserve Board interest rate cuts have failed to revive the US economy, rumors persist that Board chariman, Alan Greenspan may soon up the ante. Insiders report that Greenspan is considering a proposed, "borrow one dollar, get a second dollar free" incentive for banks.
In response, major banks in the US are readying their own plan to stimulate consumer spending. They are reportedly at work on a new series of charges to levy upon customers atop any already-existing fees. Included will be:
- parking meters in their lots, with parking time limits strictly enforced;
- lobby doors accessible only to customers using ATM cards. In addition to a transaction fee, banks propose to charge a separate fee for anyone who actually wishes to enter their lobbies;
- in buildings that have them, another ATM card slot for customers wishing to use elevators; (one banking official has proposed a surchage depending upon which floor a customer wishes to access.)
- a fee to be charged to customers who want to leave the bank;
- rental fees charged to customers for the time they actually spend in the bank;
- hourly consulting fees for conversations with tellers, with hourly rates billed from the first minute in hourly increments;
- ATM card-operated water fountains and toilet facilities.
In one additional proposal, radical elements of the banking community have suggested a complete reversal of form. Rather than bank robbers having all the fun, banking officials propose that their tellers be permitted to draw weapons on customers reluctant to pay these additional fees. Among the slogans being batted around is: The (Fill In Name Of Institution): We're Gunning For Your Business.
A banking spokesperson contacted for comment responded, "yes, those are among the fees we are considering. That'll be ten dollars. Will that be charged to your ATM card?"