Details are sketchy, but security has tightened around US President George W. Bush following an attack by a so-far-unnamed pretzel. While entertaining a group of the pretzels, Bush came under attack when one of the salty snacks launched itself at his throat and managed to knock him to the floor.
The attack took Bush and Secret Service agents completely off guard. Acknowledged a White House spokesperson, "President Bush hardly expected such an outburst from one of these snacks. He has known them for years. In fact, Dubya and pretzels go way back."
"President Bush has hung out with pretzels all across the political spectrum," a Secret Service agent agreed. "Mustard-flavored, salted, those chocolate-covered ones. He has even entertained salt-free ones. This bunch went through the usual complete screening process and they looked like your standard assortment. Fortunately, President Bush is from Texas. That pretzel might've thought it could take him, but it looks like the thing bit off more than it could chew."
The attack occured during a televised National Football League playoff game, drawing the immediate wrath of CPA (Couch Potatoes of America) founder, Charles "Tubby" Tuber.
"The right of American men to hang out in the living room on a weekend, drinkin' beer, eatin' snacks, and watchin' NFL football is right there in the Constitution of the good ol' USA, when they repealed Prohibition. You can look it up. Now if you'll excuse me, the Bucs and Eagles're on."
A Bush administration spokesman said, "we believe the pretzel was a member of an extremist group known as SABFY (Snacks Are Bad For You) or may have been compromised by a member or members of the FSS (Free Salty Snacks)."
An FSS spokesperson denied involvement, stating, "this is a stupid misperception. We don't advocate violence by snack foods. For crying out loud, we're trying to get bars and restaurants that serve beer to provide FREE salty snacks."
A member of SABFY also denied involvement and said, "our goal is strictly dietary in nature. We want people to eat healthy foods such as rice cakes and - mmph."
Back at the White House, meanwhile, following a complete physical check up, Bush appeared inclined to believe the pretzel attack was an isolated, heat of the moment incident more related to the football game than to the war on terrorism.
"You know how it is sometimes," the President is quoted as saying. "I was pulling for the Baltimore Ravens and I might've said something derogatory about the Miami Dolphins. Some sports fans get that way. You say something about their team and the next thing you know, they're at your throat."
As of this writing, Bush is even refusing to press charges.
The unnamed pretzel has been unavailable for comment.