What a problem it is to stay fashionable, yet remain just this side of ridiculous. I've got to stop watching those awards shows. Old Navy is not for the old fashioned.
The subject is fashion. In this case, womenís fashion, and the problems in finding wonderful clothes when one is not kicky, edgy, or in middle school. Iím built for comfort, not for speed.
I can't speak for the men in the audience, although I do note the ongoing "adjustment issue" when watching various players during televised sports. I do see teen aged boys in outsized Fubus hanging onto their pants in one hand with a large cup of Coke in the other lurching across the highway. Perhaps men arenít so comfortable these days either.
But with Casual Fridays becoming Casual Every Days, most men are no longer hassled by their own neckties or chafed by overly starched collars. Even Boston Lawyers are dressing down so as not to be off-putting to their now struggling dot com millionaire clients strewn about Route 128.
For women, I note that dangerwear continues to be pervasive. For those of us who tend to get distracted easily, or tend to be...how shall I put this?...a tad klutzy... life continues to be difficult. Fashion, fad, and trends threaten our dignity, not to mention our safety, yet beckon from the magazine pages, the Style! Channel, and the mall offerings.
For Woman Of A Certain Age the svelte young salespeople, saying "Can I help you? Finding everything all right?" seems more like taunting unless itís clear you are shopping for your daughter. Old Navy offers plaid mini skirts and unhemmed demin with a view right up to your 'howdy do'.
Oh, I need help. I'm not finding ANYTHING to wear, if I try to take a right turn after jeans. Even the jeans have turned on me. They are ringing their bell bottoms or are available in "Stretchy and Crawly" so they can be Capri pants if you've got great calves. This cow does not have great calves.
What we wear can be more annoying than a guy at the bar trying to buy you a drink.
More annoying than your modem quitting on you mid message.
This summer is almost over and its been no picnic, so far.
After surviving the Seventies, here we are, falling off our shoes again. Teetering around on platform footwear may give us the height we need to eyeball the pharmacist or the sergeant on duty at the police station without feeling like a kid with wet dimes in our hands....but walking, strolling, meandering, simply cannot be done.
Okay. So, I've got a sprained ankle. I fell off my clogs.
Although we might think we knew more than we wanted to about thongs, with the image of Monica Lewinsky flashing Clinton in the panty (urp, I mean PANTRY) of the Oval Office, I've just come back from the beach and there are butts a plenty out there. Sunburned butts. That can't be comfortable. Let's not think about where the sand settles.
Got myself a nice pair of comfy overalls to hang around in. Soft, loose....what could be better? How could that be a dumb move on my part? Let me suggest that they not be worn while traveling.
Think airplane bathrooms. Think airports. One must unhook at least half of the outfit which then lolls on the floor of the aforementioned bathrooms. Or, if you are not paying attention, the handy clasp on the strap seems to have an affinity for enamel and heads straight for the porcelain bowl.
- Try not to fry bacon while wearing a crop top at the beach house rental.
- Avoid all two piece bathing suits when the waves are anything beyond a ripple.
- Remove chain necklaces and anklets when sun bathing. While you are asleep the links heat up, and suddenly you awaken feeling as though you are trapped in the middle of a burning Poe story. Your choker is choking you.
Women are still paying over 50 bucks a month to have glue and fiberglass pasted to their fingernails. One quarter of these women are growing a lovely fungus under there.
Tattoos? Oh, what a good idea. Letting some stranger take a needle to your skin and inject dye is a terrific way to pass the time. A wizened butterfly on aging epidermis is inevitable, even if you think you will never grow old.
But we are all fashion victims at some point. We walk around checking out the "new neutrals" or the "new black" for the coming season. I don't know why the "old neutral" beige isn't new enough, and I do think the Rolling Stones said it best when they announced, "Black is black."
Still, something in us thinks it's really getting into the spirit of things to try out beads'n'braids or Rasta-locks while on vacation, just for a change of pace.
Got to go soak my ankle, wash and dry my overalls, put lotion on a few sun and bacon burned places, then call the manicurist for an appointment. It's time for Back-to-School shopping.
I didn't get a tattoo. But I would like to know how to scratch my head without disturbing the corn rows.